Still Looking for Direction, or, Death and Resurrection is Tough

This makes me think of the proverb "Still waters run deep."
Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net

Do you know that deep sense of calm and groundedness that comes with a sense of purpose? Yeah, I have not felt that for a few months now.

Before I get too far into this post, let me say that this is not me describing a crisis of faith. Faith in the God the Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer is alive and well in my life, if somewhat obscured by events. I’m also not trying to be barbarous to any person or organization that I have interacted with lately; if anything in this post seems barbarous, I apologize ahead of time. The intended purpose for anything on this blog is to articulate some of the stuff going through my head. I know that this post may seem angsty and petulant, maybe even have a “poor me” sense to it, but that’s not what I’m going for. Like I said; just working out my thoughts about purpose and the uncertainty therein.

Are We in the Eye of the Storm? Or, Jesus Is Sleeping in the Boat Again

This is the stained glass behind the altar at Sacred Heart
Catholic Church in Wahkon, MN, where I will sometimes
attend Mass when my wife and I are visiting her parents.

I couldn't help but think of these panels as I listened to this
week's gospel story from Mark.

The Gospel reading for this past Sunday was the story of Jesus calming the storm. Or, if you prefer, it's the story where Jesus is asleep in the back of the boat while his disciples tried to keep the boat afloat. Either way, when Jesus wakes up, he tells the storm "Peace! Be still!" and the sea becomes calm.

He then does that thing where he asks the disciples why they were afraid and he asks whether they have no faith. I can just see that image, where Jesus is kinda shaking his head in a very exasperated sort of way (yes, I imagine that Jesus grew impatient with his disciples sometimes).

While I was growing up, more often than not, this story was taught with a cute little moral at the end like this: "And that, children, is why you should never be a afraid of a storm in your life; whether it's something at school or a misunderstanding between friends or even a real storm. Never be afraid because Jesus is with us always." BLEH.

However, this weekend, I was listening to a priest who pointed out that very often, we feel like we're in the middle of the storm. He paused and pointed out that almost every commentary on this Gospel story says that the boat the disciples are traveling in is an image representing the Church. This priest then pointed out that sometimes we, as a Church, might find ourselves in moment of calm. It's like suddenly, all the criticism and controversy around us in the popular media subsides for just little bit, but it's not the case that we're out of the storm. It's that we're in the eye of the storm.

What that means is that this story of Jesus is not important because we can look back on the storms in our life, but it is important when we recognize we are right in the middle of a storm.

What Has Tom Been Up to Lately? Or, We've Missed You on the Blogosphere

I've not been writing for a while. And while I think it's understandable, given everything that's been going on lately, I still would like to share a little of the why I've not been writing for the past month.

Headed Down to San Antonio for #ADDD15 and the AED Board Meeting

Last weekend, there was not post on my blog. If any of you, dear readers, were crestfallen, I heartily apologize. But the reason that I did not post was because I was on a plane, heading to San Antonio to hang out with a bunch of deacons!

Some of the incoming board members and new board officers
at a celebration of ministry Saturday night

I'm a Dreamer, I'm a Leaner, I'm a Flying Lemur... Steve Miller I Am Not

Those of you, dear readers, who know me in person (and maybe some of you who I have only connected with online have inferred this; I shouldn't presume so much) will know that I have a tendency to live in my head. I think about things. A lot. A large reason why my wife and I got hitched was because we help to keep each other grounded, and I think she may keep me more grounded than I do her.

But nevertheless, the point of this is that I'm in my head a lot. I have a goal in mind for just about everything I do, and in the rare occasions when I don't have a goal, I'm very much on edge. If you're into Myers Briggs personality types, you may understand this more clearly when I say that I am an INTJ. That means that I go into everything with a strategy, an end goal, and I expect things to come out a certain way (I'll throw in this anecdote to emphasize the point: my mother has often told me that when I was younger, the only way to get me out of the house was to tell me the plan for the day. But if the plan changed while we were out, she would need to tell me multiple times and explain why we were changing the plan so that I would not flip out. It's a true story).

You know I had to throw a church meme in here somewhere...

So, speaking of which, where am I going with this post? Well, I've been having trouble with my formation coursework. Those of you who come visit my blog regularly will not be too surprised to read that, since I have a noticeable gap in posts through most of last October and November. The biggest reason why I got back on my blog writing was because my grandmother passed away and I needed some way to articulate all the stuff that was bouncing around in my head (yet another symptom to show that I can get pretty far into my own head at times).

What I'm trying to say is that I found some insight to the pathways of my own brain recently when I listened to an episode of The One You Feed, which is a podcast I listen to fairly regularly. The specific  interview was with Gabriele Oettingen, who is a Professor of Psychology at New York University and the University of Hamburg. Her work has actually been regarding the perils of positive thinking, which is where I got hooked and decided to listen to the interview. She shared some of her findings and many of them rung true for me in the face of the challenges that I've been facing. I would like to share some of those reflections with you.

What Is a Congregation? Or, Let Me Show You Some Shapes

Many thanks to my wonderful wife for making this for me on Canva!

This week I want to participate in the first round of a three-part BLOGFORCE Challenge from the Acts 8 Moment (click on the banner to learn more about the challenge and the organization). But the first thing I want to describe is how the prompt is phrased. The prompt said "What is the mission of the congregation? How should it be structured to serve its mission?" And so what I need to do is describe how I do not consider myself any kind of expert on how to structure a congregation... I don't think I have the gifts of management to determine how to position a group of people like that. Or at least I don't feel I have the gifts to describe it as an action plan. What I do is describe the shape of the thing, as I see it in my head. And in that way, there are two images that I want to describe. 

"Respect Ma Authorit-ay!" or, There is a Prescription for Treating a Servant

UPDATE: After I made this post on my blog, a very well respected deacon-mentor of mine made a comment on the post and, to a certain extent, punched a lot of holes in what I presented. However, she is much more credible than me when it comes to describing the role of deacons in the current Episcopal Church... you may want to consider skipping straight to her comment... I think what she wrote is a lot clearer than what I wrote. 

A while ago, I was listening to a daily meditation from Pray As You Go, which is an incredible podcast resource for pray and meditation, if you have not encountered it yet (I have a little summary of it on my "Resources" page, or click this link to dive into PAYG on your own). But the meditation on the particular day I have in mind was based on Ephesians 6:1-9. Here is the text:

As for children, obey your parents in the Lord, because it is right. 2 The commandment Honor your father and mother is the first one with a promise attached: 3 so that things will go well for you, and you will live for a long time in the land.[a] 4 As for parents, don’t provoke your children to anger, but raise them with discipline and instruction about the Lord. 5 As for slaves, obey your human masters with fear and trembling and with sincere devotion to Christ. 6 Don’t work to make yourself look good and try to flatter people, but act like slaves of Christ carrying out God’s will from the heart. 7 Serve your owners enthusiastically, as though you were serving the Lord and not human beings. 8 You know that the Lord will reward every person who does what is right, whether that person is a slave or a free person. 9 As for masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Stop threatening them, because you know that both you and your slaves have a master in heaven. He doesn’t distinguish between people on the basis of status. (CEB)

Dealing with Something New, or, The School for Formation Is Wrinkling My Brain

This past week, I finished with my first course in the School for Formation! I'm already starting the next course. Like, I'm already a week into the next one because I didn't notice on the calendar that they overlapped. That was jarring. But nonetheless, I buckled down and I wrote the papers and submitted them in order to meet requirements. But I also had something like a coming-to-Jesus moment, too.

Things, They Are a-Changing at Church, or, Moving from Problems to Possibilities

I don't think that I've mentioned this on my blog before, but this month marks the beginning of my formation to become a deacon in the Episcopal Church!

What that means is that my time in discernment is over (so all those posts I made about grappling with the process and feeling impatient don't need to be continued) and now I have a two-year track ahead of me in the School for Formation that is organized by the Episcopal Church in Minnesota.

The Episcopal Church in Minnesota's Academy for Discipleship and Mission

I know that the School for Formation will be taking up a lot of my time, but I do not want that to keep me from posting here on my blog. But that, of course, poses a problem when I usually sink a decent chunk of time into my blog. I can't continue to do that if I want to also have the time to write lesson plans for my job as well as be successful in my learning and formation.

So the conclusion that I've come to is that you, dear readers, will benefit from some of the work and reflection that I will be doing in formation.

"We need more young people in the Church"

I hate hearing that. But nonetheless, I hear it more often than I would like. And it's worth noting that it's not always those words which are used. Sometimes it's an off-handed statement and the intentions behind it are totally benign. But when I hear "I'm so glad that you're here. Because, you know, we older folks won't live forever and we'll need someone to carry on this important ministry when we're gone," all I feel is shame and guilt if I'm not every bit invested in the ministry as they are.

The disclaimer here is that this issue is definitely the loose thread that, if pulled, will unravel the entire sweater. And underneath the sweater is a really pissed off young man who just lost his favorite sweater. So if you're taken aback, dear reader, or if you notice that this post is relatively disjointed among my glaringly disjointed posts, please understand that it's because these are interrelated issues that I'm in the midst of working through.

"You have been warned!"

#DONTSHOOT and Other Strategies to Stand with Ferguson

The previous post I made to my blog had everything to do with grappling with the Darkness inside of each of us. But now I'm grappling with what to do about the Darkness in the world around us. Sometimes it feels like we're being hemmed in on all sides and, like I said before, sometimes I'm sure that it's going to overwhelm us. I've certainly been worrying about overwhelming Darkness over the past week.

To be less abstract, Michael Brown was gunned down by a police office in Ferguson, Missouri on August 9. As I understand the story, Mike was walking home when he was shot dead, even though he was unarmed, his hands were up and he was trying to tell the office as much. There are plenty of voices on all sides of this issue, but the way I perceive it, Mike's only crime was the color of his skin.

So what are we going to do about that? What am I, as a person of faith, supposed to do when I know that this injustice is going on? When I know of so many injustices throughout my society and in other societies across the world? As I said, sometimes it seems as if the Darkness is threatening to swallow everything up... but I know that I can take a stand.

Starting a New Fire after #Kindling14

First thing in this post, let me admit that attending any given conference is still an enigma for me. What I mean by that is that I really enjoy conferences; there is usually a really good energy and dynamism when they're well-planned. But meanwhile, a conference is not my learning style. I do much better when I'm allowed to take hand-written notes on a topic and then allowed to take a day or two to digest and ruminate on the information before I take notes on a new topic (hmm... sounds an awful lot like my college schedule). At your typical conference, I have have had anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours to digest things before going onto the next workshop. And even then, the workshops and presentations may not be conducive to note-taking. So I have not been able to figure out what to do with myself at conferences, even though I think I have attended a fair number of them.

That being said, I attended this year's Episcopal conference on Young Adult and Campus Ministry. It happened at the University of Minnesota, out here in my neck of the woods. It was also dubbed Kindling '14 (because I assume we will be using the same title next year).

This is what was printed on all our itinerary and press releases

Why Do We Do This Church Thing on Sundays?

So I've been looking over the past couple of posts that I've made to my blog and I'm observing that I've had a string of really heavy topics for the past few weeks. And while I think it's important to do that, I also think it's important every so often to look for more lighthearted fare. So let's talk about the Christian day of worship!

As a matter of fact, I have been having conversations lately that involve the question "why do so many Christians find it necessary to worship on Sunday morning?" These conversations have not been particularly weighty, but I've enjoyed them and they've been on my mind, thus I'm writing about the topic. Let's begin.

What's a Deacon? or, This Is a Question that Requires Participation

What would I do without Episcopal Church Memes?

At one point in time, I had written in my "about me" section (which you can always find in the menu bar at the top of my blog or right now at this link), that deacons were the "designated liturgical Other." This is an uncomfortable statement to make, because the implications are paradoxical. I was challenged on this statement at one point in time because describing the diaconate like that isn't very kind. Additionally, it's most definitely not the ideal reputation that we, as deacons (or in my case, candidates in formation to be deacons), are striving to make for ourselves. Nonetheless, I make the statement as an observation of the way that things are in my context. That means that if anyone wants to challenge me on any point that I make in this post, I will welcome it so that I can clarify the observations I've made in my part of the world and so that I can listen to what you see in yours.

All that being said, let's first examine how things work prescriptively before I describe what I observe.

In the Words of Popeye: "I Yam What I Yam," or, Maybe That Was YHWH...

So I'm going to do something slightly odd here; I started writing this post and then changed my mind... but I want both beginnings. So I'm going to give you both and you decide which you want to read... you won't hurt my feelings, as long as you read at least one.

But before you begin, please be aware that this post, regardless or the beginning that you read, is another effort on my part to articulate what I mean when I say that "I am what I am."

Original Beginning
On Thursday, June 26, a good friend of mine, Vant Washington, was ordained to the diaconate. I've mentioned Vant on my blog before, in regard to his preaching. Along with him were a few other candidates who I have become acquainted with through various events that happen in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota. All told, including my friend, there were 14 deacons ordained that evening, as well as two priests.

Vant is the one in the corner of the picture with black hair...
you can only see the top half of his head and he has his eyes closed...
a very flattering picture that I borrowed from Bp. Prior's blog

It was a wonderful celebration, my dry explanation notwithstanding. I heard afterwards that the 16 candidates who came into the worship space that evening had the entire range of emotions from holy-crap-this-is-happening-I'm-not-ready, to this-is-what-I've-been-working-toward, to the simple I'm-exhausted. What's more is that the entire place was packed. I know that in the picture I provided above, there is nobody who is not vested, but just imagine at least ten times the number of people in the picture; family, friends, faith community members, all gathered to support and lift up these individuals for ordained ministry. It was moving. And it was really hot with that many people stuffed into what seemed like a cavernous worship space.

I'm Coming Out, or, Everybody Needs Somebody

Everybody has something to come out of the closet with. No matter what it is, it's always hard to come out and publicly declare something that you know is taboo. I mean, there are times that you can declare something to a group that you're a part of, when you know that they'll affirm you and support you. But when there is something you need to admit, knowing full well that it may put you out of somebody's good graces (to put it mildly), that is the closet out of which you need to come.

So here I am publicly declaring that I am an Advocate.

Dying and Rising to New Life in Star Wars

I know that many of your are disappointed in me right now... I did not post anything last week that reflected on the lectionary readings... but frankly, if you want a really awesome commentary, I refer you to the Rev. Janet MacNally's sermon for June 22. I do this 1) because she's my mentor, and 2) the lectionary seemed really inaccessible, but Janet just knocked it out of the park.

Meanwhile, last week I went to a Star Wars marathon that was also hosted at my church (my geek went into overdrive). We watched them in the Machete order, which begins with Episodes IV and V, then goes back to Episodes II and III (please note that it ignores the episode which shall not be named), and finally ends with Episode VI. It was glorious. By the time we finished Episode VI: the Return of the Jedi, I was in awe of the story arc that is Star Wars.

And Another Thing (about Trinity Sunday)

So something was mentioned in the sermon yesterday that is just too good to pass up.

The rector at my church was preaching. I got excited because he used visual aids that I also used in my last blog post (they were the icon and the stained glass learning tool). But that's not the point.

He pointed out that when it says in the gospel reading, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations," it doesn't necessarily mean what we think it means. It's almost like a process of going out, living life in the example of Christ, encouraging others to do the same, and finally having a death in the example of Christ, too.

I looked more into this, and I found out that this emphasis is in the grammar. There is just as much emphasis, grammatically, in verse 19 on the 'go' as there is on the 'make disciples.' That means that neither of those is more important than they other.

And the whole point of this supplemental blog to what I wrote on Saturday is to say that the sermon made me think of this video (included below). I feel like I've been sharing it a lot lately, but that's okay, because I think it's worth sharing that much. But for the record, I didn't find the video. My bishop did. And he shared it because he would like the Church to be more like this. What do you think?

It's the Great Pictological Blog Post, Charlie Brown!

Ready? Okay, here we go...

The First Sunday after Whitsunday

Another awesome meme gleaned with thanks to Episcopal Church Memes

I've heard it said before that Trinity Sunday (which is, this year, on June 15) is a good day for a rector to hand of the preaching to the intern, or to the deacon. Basically, the rector can let someone else confuse the hell out of the congregation. Now I know that we have Thomas Becket to thank for this preaching conundrum. And for some strange reason, I'm taking it upon myself to give this a shot.

Part 2 of "The Atheists who are Better at Christianity..."

I've been thinking over what I wrote last week, regarding what I'm looking for and the people that I see. I'm realizing that there very well could be clarification.

There is a goal that I am working toward and I must admit that it has been informed by my Christian upbringing. It is an ideal that was set forth by Christ at the Last Supper. He said simply "Love each other." It is a simple thing that proves to be very difficult to live into, which is why I call it an ideal, rather than a mandate.

In my last post, I said that "I am trying to find the people who are willing to be honest. I am trying to find the people who will whole heartedly show who they are..." What I believe is that honest people, whole hearted people, will naturally make efforts to enter into relationship with others. And once they've entered into relationship with others, the whole hearted ones will offer support and compassion and generally demonstrate a concern for the well being of the person with whom they are now related. In this, I see the ideal that Christ gave.

So I say that I am looking for people who are willing to be honest and whole hearted. I think that gathering these people together can become a force for good change; that the world could become a more humane place and less violent. However, here is where I must add the clarification that I don't think I stated explicitly in my last post: I don't care what has informed someone's drive to enter into loving relationship with others in the world. 

I admit that my sense of this drive has been informed by the stories of Christ, handed down through my religious tradition. But as whole hearted and honest people gather together, I will not refuse to work with another whole hearted person just because their sense of this was informed by secular humanist principals, or by Buddhist tradition, or formed in reaction to atrocities that the person has seen. I will not refuse to work with someone just because their path leading up to this point is different than mine. If I am to work with someone, all I demand is that this person has a concern for others and that they take action as a result of that concern.

So what makes me sad or angry is when I encounter people who set things up to the exclusion of others. It's like saying "We're going to do this good thing, but you can't help us do good because you haven't been a part of our club, so therefor you're bad and you can't do good." That's a really small minded, depressing thing to hear. I think that good is an objective value of something, so the objective Goodness of something is there, no matter the reasons why someone is doing it.

This is intended to be a short blog (which I don't know whether I've accomplished) because I only sought to clarify what I wrote last week (also not sure whether I've accomplished that). My point is that, as I seek to live in the light of the Risen Christ, I feel that that drives me to seek and serve others. And as I do that, I feel that it is important to join with others who are also seeking to serve, regardless of whether or not they are Christians. Goodness is good, regardless of who is doing it. And I think the world just needs more Goodness.